The lack of winter weather is not necessarily tragic to me. I am not ready to be cold, although the lingering warmth has created some confusion for a couple I know who were looking to celebrate their 15th wedding anniversary in Killington, Vermont on Thanksgiving. That plan was killed because there is no snow. But they’ll roll with it, the way they always do.
They met in 1984 and married in 1994. I say it with pride for them, actually, because these days divorce seems like sport for too many couples. After 25 years together, having to change plans because of the weather is no bid deal at all.
I was their best man. I was also the best man for another friend, and he and his wife are still together, too. Maybe that’s the secret, guys. I have always been the sage, wise counselor who could not heed his own advice. To that end, I am no longer married, as you all probably know. If I had chosen myself as my best man, things might be different.
We were all kids when they started dating. Few of us even understood their relationship in those early days, as they became completely and fully involved with each other from day one. Looking back now, given the fact they remain as close as they do, they were working on something much bigger than puppy love. High school sweethearts marrying and then imploding is an old tale, and I doubt they set out to buck the trend. Did they always know it would end up like this? When you are in love for the first time, the feeling is actually physical. You can feel it in your heart. For most, it fades. They hung on.
They have one child, a son. He is a smart, funny, delightful kid who is comfortable around adults and other kids. He’s got a creative mind and a great heart. These are things that can be taught and he is evidence of that. At a very early age, he had health problems, and it brought them together as a well-functioning team. As a family they have had other painful days and for a while it was a torrent of bad news. Instead of reaching out, they reached within.
As a husband, my friend is devoted and loyal and has achieved an almost Zen-like state when dealing with his wife, who has always been more high-strung and keen on life’s details. He’s the kind of guy who just rolls with it. Over the years, she has relaxed a little but still has some room to grow.
She has clearly taken her role as “mother” all the way to the bank. She is involved at school and home. Arts and crafts abound. Being this boy’s mother is her calling—it’s her life—and if you are around the family, you can feel it.
The best part is, Mom and Dad still seem to really like each other, and that is very big. In marriage, like is harder to keep alive than love. You can love someone with all your heart, but not like them sometimes. the, sometimes might turn into most times, and then it can all end. These two seem to find a way to keep liking each other.
I was so honored to have been asked to stand with them on the altar 15 years ago, and continue to marvel at their longevity. There are thousands of memories, tears, fights, laughs and kisses between them. The world needs more like them. They do not look over the fence; they recognize their blessings. It’s a team, a partnership that has never lost its fire, romance or friendship. It’s life at its finest, warts and all.
So, I wonder if I am a good-luck charm, although at six-feet-four-inches and 240 pounds, it would be pretty difficult to lug one of me around if you need some good fortune. But so far I am two-for-two as a best man; sort of the Joe Torre of weddings. I have the mojo.
Please contact my agent if you are interested in my services.
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What a beautiful story! Very happy for them.
Not sure why it’s easier to love someone than like them, or how love can endure while like seems fragile and tenuous. Maybe we love too easily and should wait it out to see if like sticks around awhile before we give in to love.
I’ll be sure to contact your agent if I ever remarry.
I consider myself blessed to have been at that wedding! You just put into words what I always feel every time I’m lucky enough to visit them. They are truly a wonderful family and hey, “high strung” people get things done, I can’t imagine her any other way. I’m exhausted just reading the e-mails after all of their get-a-ways!
Congratulations to you too Michael! I look forward to reading all your articles! (P.s..Please don’t spell check or look this over for grammatical errors, it’s Sunday morning and I haven’t finished my first cup of coffee yet:)
Take care,
Lynn (O’Grady) Ramirez
…Hello from the annals of implosion… You hit it right on the button.
I can remember one rainy night, running through traffic across the Belt Parkway in Brooklyn, dodging fast-moving vehicles on both sides… my high school sweetheart and I had a fight and it looked like “Doomsville”. I couldn’t bear the thought, so risking life and limb (at 16), made perfect sense to me. The pain was most definitely, physical as well as emotional. Just why the pain of being run down by a Chevy at 75 mph didn’t seem worse is anyone’s guess… mostly mine, many years later, after 15 years of divorce.
Had I known that later in life, I would no longer love or LIKE him, due to a series of rather heartless intents, I would have turned around and gone to the diner for a celebratory piece of lemon meringue. However, a decade or so and two fabulous kids later, I cannot completely regret… because of the kids. Not bitter here, just the facts.
In high school, our perceptions are barely developed. We have not grown into the people we have yet to become. I married the man I liked. It was his intellect that got me. It also got me years later at the divorce table, just in a whole different way.
It goes like this: I liked him. Then I loved him. Then I married him. We were dirt poor. We were (sort of) happy. Then I played “woman behind the man”. Then I was dirt poor. Then HE was happy. Then he got remarried. Now they don’t like each other. Now no one is happy… (This is the condensed version, of course.)
But I still hold fast to the simple fact you stated so aptly…
Love is important… “love is patient, love is kind”… yada, yada… well, as anyone in love can attest… not really.
LIKE is the big one. If you don’t like your partner, start packing. Life gets tough. If you can’t wear matching helmets when the bombs start to fall, it’s going to be a really short war. End: you lose.
Attraction is great and it really helps, at first… but it also grows when you realize that the person you’re with is the one you’d choose for all the right reasons.
To your friends who’ve managed to grow together, I tip my hat and raise my cup of coffee (constant companion to me as I write). Perhaps they’ve found something even more important than Atlantis or the elusive “Fountain of Youth”… If they could write their secrets~ instant bestseller. As for the rest of us… I guess we just keep banging around and hoping for the best.