You’re going to love it, but you have to move fast. I have no idea how it leaked out, but Fox and HBO got wind and they’re all over me for a chance to produce it.

Let’s take a meeting at Michael’s Restaurant next week. Keep it informal—just you, me and our lawyers. You bring Allen Grubman, I’ll bring Lynne Stewart. She outweighs Grubman by 100 pounds.

Here is some background: I thought of this show a few weeks ago, when it became clear that President Barack Obama was not going to close Guantanamo.

Obama admits that the American people’s not understanding why he is not closing Guantanamo is his fault because he didn’t get the American people to understand his position about closing Guantanamo.

Obama says when he said he was going to close Guantanamo he didn’t mean he was going to close Guantanamo. It’s like health care—another great idea he didn’t explain to the slow-witted American people.

Anyway, as with most everything, it was all Bush’s fault.

Obama blames it all on Bush’s strange position on torture. In effect, Bush was saying: We are not torturing anyone, but we reserve the right in the future to continue to not torture them in the same way we are not torturing them now.

Obama’s position is: We don’t care if terrorists have info about an H-bomb hiding in a warehouse in Huntington, or if they know where a vat of anthrax is hidden in Amagansett, we must protect their rights.

Terrorist prisoners are no longer to be shackled, chained, hooded or forced to wear headphones. (Jeff, I, for one, didn’t understand the ban on headphones because I frequently take the subway and everyone is wearing headphones and they don’t seem to be suffering or willing to talk.)

Also banned is the use of dogs, exposure to extreme temperatures, loud music for consecutive days (especially, as it turned out, at the Super Bowl: The Who) and prolonged isolation, which can cause extreme suffering.

I have endured many of these same tortures in my marriage to the beautiful Judy Licht and I have managed to survive. Sadly, these Taliban and al-Qaida terrorists are wimps and not used to this stuff. They believe it is their right to kill and torture us because it’s permitted under their constitution—and not ours. Obama seems to agree.

But enough about torture. Anyone who’s worked for NBC as long as you have has little to learn about torture from the likes of me or the United States government. So doing time at Guantanamo Bay prison is going to be a piece of cake, and that’s my idea. It takes place in Guantanamo Bay prison and it’s patterned after a great old television hit of the fifties, Hogan’s Heroes.

You remember in Hogan’s Heroes, Colonel Hogan (played by Bob Crane) led a ragtag band of American POWs in what was a very popular television comedy. Our show will feature an Arab terrorist leading his band of terrorist POWs from the prison at Guantanamo and my show will be called Hakim’s Heroes.

Get the switch? In this one the Arab prisoners are like the Americans and American jailers are like the German guards in Hogan’s Heroes.

The bumbling Germans gave Hogan and his crew plenty of opportunities to sabotage their war efforts. Our show will feature the bumbling Americans allowing the terrorists to have the run of Guantanamo Bay prison and hatching fun-filled terrorist plots all over America. I say they attempt to blow up one American city per episode.

In Hakim’s Heroes, Hakim will be played by Alec Baldwin, who gets funnier with every pound he puts on, and I beg you to help me get James Gandolfini to play the dumb Sgt. Hans Schultz. Bob Balaban will play the part of Col. Wilhelm Klink.

Guest stars? I’ve got a million of them. How about to get the sex angle into this–Lindsay Lohan?

The sex stuff is tricky with the Arabs—you know how they are with women. So Lindsay spends her time trying to show Hakim her bare arms. And Lindsay, the great talent she is, will have the Arab POWs wetting their sheets with laughter until she makes the mistake of telling them that she would love to get stoned. Think of the laughs when she discovers that a woman being stoned is different in the Muslim world.

Jeff, I think we can sell this series to the 10 billion Muslims. I think too many people in this country underestimate the great sense of humor that Muslims have. They love jihad jokes. The subsidiary rights alone to Al Jazeera ought to be worth millions.

The season finale—Jeff baby, we’re going right to the top with this one.

The Arabs work out a way to smuggle Barbra Streisand into Guantanamo so she can entertain their troops. Think of it: Barbra singing to a bunch of cut-throat terrorists, watching them break down and sob when she sings:

“People,
People who kill people,
Are the holiest people in the world.”

If you wish to comment on “Jerry’s Ink,” send your message to jerry@dfjp.com.