MAIL - PARTIAL SCORE
The financially struggling U.S. Postal Service announces that it plans to end Saturday mail delivery starting in August to cut $2 billion in costs. Under the proposal, packages would still be delivered. The USPS also announces plans to launch “Rain, Heat & Snow,” a new line of all-weather, device-accommodating apparel and accessories in 2014. We doubt a clothing line will do much in the way of profits. Just ask Kim Kardashian! But a sex tape on the other hand…
TECH GIANTS - BULL’S EYE
Apple, Google, Facebook, Twitter and Microsoft, among hundreds of other companies, stand up for same-sex marriage by signing on to a brief filed with the U.S. Supreme Court, which calls the Defense of Marriage Act not only unconstitutional but “bad for business.” The brief will be part of the suits against DOMA, which defines marriage as only being between a man and a woman, that the Supreme Court will hear in March. So, Apple and Microsoft are on the same side in a lawsuit? That’s an historical moment in itself!
NASA BUDGET CUTS - OFF TARGET
The scientists at NASA makes major progress in the art of wastewater recycling, which turns urine back into water through forward osmosis. Sure, this will come in handy if we ever spend time on Mars, but the Obama Administration has already proposed big cuts to NASA’s 2013 Mars programs, including backing out of a joint mission with the European Space Agency that would have included the first direct search for life on Mars since the ’70s. Kanye West infamously said, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.” Somewhere in space there’s an alien interrupting a broadcast saying, “Barack Obama doesn’t care about extraterrestrials.”
NUDE BEACH - PARTIAL SCORE
The days of all-over tanning at Fire Island’s famed nude beaches come to an end as officials announce they will start enforcing NYS laws against public nudity. The reasons given by officials: The Sandy-damaged boardwalk to the FI Lighthouse means visitors will have to walk through the area where nudists gather; a lack of lifeguards and restrooms; the negative effects of crowds on the environment; and an increase in criminal activity including public sex and prostitution. Violators who ignore the ban face up to six months in jail and a fine of up to $5,000. Unfortunately, Speedo bikini bottoms are still perfectly legal.
BLOOMBERG - BULL’S EYE
Following his bans on transfats and extra-large soft drinks in the city, NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg takes on Styrofoam in his final State of the City address, calling it, “One product that is virtually impossible to recycle and never biodegrades…Something that we know is environmentally destructive and that may be hazardous to our health, that is costing taxpayers money and that we can easily do without, and is something that should go the way of lead paint.” We can dig it.
HORSE MEAT - OFF TARGET
While horse meat continues to surface in Europe, most recently in IKEA’s famous Swedish meatballs, the U.S. Department of Agriculture tells Americans we have nothing to worry about because it is illegal to bring horse meat into the U.S. for human consumption, unlike in Europe. So you can go back to cursing IKEA for the miniature pieces and nonsensical directions involved in putting together its PAX Uggdal Closet Sliding Doors, but don’t take your anger out on the meatballs.