(Image courtesy of Flickr user hahatango)

Immigration: Discuss how the US has become too complacent with Chechens, who do not count as Caucasians even if they originate from someplace called Caucasus. A stricter immigration policy complete with thorough background checks will ensure that no foreigner with a dark complexion and a heavy accent (or parents and/or uncles with heavy accents) can seek refuge in this country where we pay taxes.

Gun Control: Discuss how strict gun control policy would infringe on the rights of local Bostonians who were locked up in their homes with an armed maniac on the loose. Speak with marked inflection on how background checks and ammunition limits would put “we the people” in jeopardy. Under no circumstances mention that the Tsarnaev brothers found access to semi-automatic weapons that they used to kill and injure police officers. Do not question how they were obtained or if lives might have been saved if stricter gun laws were in place. Do not dare to imagine that anything bad could happen with a nervous civilian with a semi-automatic AR-15 aimed at a door as police officials bang door to door in search of criminals.


Marijuana Prohibition: Sinister sounding background music will help convey the message in this special report on the dangers of marijuana consumption. Even the uncle called the brothers “losers,” in no small part because of the known frequent use of “pot” by younger brother Dzhokar Tsarnaev. Long touted as a “mellow” drug that “chills out” the partaker and has numerous health benefits, issue a “Special Report” on how ganja is the gateway to terrorism drug.


Death Penalty:  How will the brothers know that it is morally reprehensible and barbaric to end human life unless we kill them?

Legal procedure/due process: celebrate the Miranda loophole known as “The Public Safety Exception” which holds that the arrested are only entitled to rights on Law and Order.

Foreign relations: Take the time to inform the people that according to the Czech Ambassador, apparently the Czech Republic is definitely not the same place as Chechnya. Even a little. So they are safe. (For now.)

Torture: Go Dick Cheney on the sonofabitch.


Religion: They were Muslim! They were Muslim! I’m not celebrating, just THEY WERE MUSLIM, thank God! They were angry, evil jihadists representing about 1/3 of the world population prompting a call for a War on Religions We Don’t Get.  Only further insurmountable debt and death to fight an idea will get these people to understand that we as Americans do not tolerate others who believe that their God is the real one (because ours totally is). In spreading the message that our God is the true God and that we are not a religious country, in the name of the Boston bombings, we will bomb more Muslim countries. God Bless these United States of America.

Above all, remind the public that we are a civilized, rational country in no way prone to reactionary politics and/or foreign policy.

Feel free to submit your personal favorites from around the Internet in the comments below.


Long Island Press patrons