Take this simple quiz and find out if you are paranoid enough to qualify for membership in this exclusive, “by-invitation-only” club!

Answer Yes or No:

  1. Is the United Nations secretly plotting to invade our country and occupy our best golf courses, ruining the American Way of Life?
  2. Do you think the IRS is really run by lizard people, who can instantly shift their shapes to look like the rest of us?
  3. Do you agree that any government official who promotes the sale of energy-efficient light bulbs is bent on destroying our freedom and should be removed from office?
  4. Are those airplane contrails (white vapor trails in the sky) actually “chemtrails”—clouds of toxic chemicals or biological agents being sprayed by hundreds of secret government aircraft for clandestine purposes?
  5. Do you believe that America’s enemies can telepathically communicate with goats and other animals?
  6. Have you ever, accidentally of course, drunk water containing fluoride (which as everyone knows, saps America’s strength and makes us vulnerable to a foreign takeover)?
  7. Do you think the people who control Wall Street have the best interests of investors like you at heart?
  8. Is there a secret gay and lesbian plan to break up your marriage?
  9. Does the South still have a chance to win the Civil War?
  10. Have you, or a trustworthy friend, personally seen aliens abducting attractive, scantily-clad Earth women?

If you answered YES to all of the these questions, Congratulations!

First of all, you’re in good company: According to recent news reports, millions of Americans actually believe that everything written above is absolutely true.

Second, you are now a prime candidate for membership in the National Paranoia Association.

What do you do next?


Long Island Press patrons

We’ll be in touch. We know who you are. We know where you live. We know how you scored on this test.

As a member of the National Paranoia Association you’ll get paranoid e-mail updates like these:

  • This just in from Portland, Oregon, future site of the NPA’s new world headquarters: Voters there rejected a plan to put fluoride in their drinking water for the fourth time. Way to go, Portland!
  • Scientists have found more than 150 Potentially Hazardous Asteroids (PHAs) on trajectories that might blast the Earth to smithereens. Is this sheer chance? Or is somebody secretly steering these killer asteroids toward our planet?
  • You knew it in your heart—the end of the world is coming. Again. Here are two recent predictions, so you can start putting your affairs in order:
  • 2014: World War III is near, based on an ancient Nostradamus prophecy of a fire in the North at the end of the age of the fifth sun. This will occur in “a northern region of a country.” North Korea has the edge now, with London bookmakers putting the odds at 3-2.
  • 2037: Evangelist preacher Hal Lindsey, King of Bible Prophecy, says the end is coming, again, and sooner than we think. Hal previously predicted Armageddon in the 1980s, then again in the 1990s. He could be “third time lucky,” as they say.

Hofstra University Transfer