The Drone Company of America (New York Stock Exchange Symbol: DRONECO) recently announced that its first generation of consumer drones will be released in major U.S. markets this month.
Harrison Cobley, DroneCo spokesperson, said there would be five categories of drones for sale: mini-drones for children and teens (8-15 years), drones for hobbyists, corporate drones for business, divorce drones for marital attorneys and detectives, and illegal drones for shadowy paramilitary organizations.
“Little Snoop” — Mini-Drone for Kids ‘n Teens
This drone has a half-mile range and comes equipped with a remote-controlled video camera that sends a wireless signal to any iOS or Android smartphone (the app is just $2.99). It uses a rechargeable battery and four small helicopter-style, safety-enclosed rotors. Maximum forward speed: 5 knots. Climb rate: 3 feet per second. Maximum altitude: 65 feet. Flight duration: 45 minutes. Major use: general teen snooping. It can hover and take a video through the window of any apartment up to the sixth floor, focus inside parked cars to see what’s going on, follow good-looking classmates, irritate teachers and parents. Available in a wide variety of colors and designs, including: psychedelic, abstract flower garden, night sky, pink lace and death tattoos.
“The One-Up” — Drone for Hobbyists
Why waste time with an old-fashioned model airplane when you can enjoy the maneuverability and sheer fun of a helicopter-style drone? And what do model planes actually do, anyhow, except chase around after each other? Optional extras include faux armament and radar, faux rockets and faux 50mm-machine gun. Uses rechargeable lithium-ion batteries (not included) and six safety-enclosed rotors. Maximum forward speed: 25 knots. Climb rate: 15 feet per second. Maximum altitude: 300 feet. Flight duration: two hours.
“Drones-R-Us” — The First Corporate Drone
Perfect for Fortune 500 companies who completely distrust their competition—and who wouldn’t? This all-black, stealth-engineered, ultra-silent drone can drift noiselessly above the gates of your competitors, gather confidential information and stream HD video right back to your headquarters. It can also be used to track members of your staff who you suspect are disloyal. Maximum forward speed: N/A. Climb rate: N/A. Maximum altitude: N/A. Flight duration: N/A.
“The Silent Snitch” — Drone for Detectives and Divorce Attorneys
A new kind of drone with the potential to revolutionize one of America’s major domestic industries! Small, lightweight, using dual electric propellers that are barely audible, the “Silent Snitch” includes low-light and infra-red sensors, as well as the latest facial recognition software. Ultra-sensitive camera and microphone can record and transmit video and audio to your control center up to 10 miles away! Optional breathalyzer with 500-yard range. Maximum forward speed: 25 knots. Climb rate: 15 feet per second. Maximum altitude: 250 feet. Can hover motionless up to eight hours.
“Let’s Pretend We’re In The Army”— Drone for Patriots
Okay, so you’re not really in the U.S. military, but with this new camouflaged drone, you can sure pretend to be. This top-of-the-line drone has two small turbo-fan jet engines, each with 250 pounds of thrust. Armament platforms are provided, but we are not licensed to sell the actual weapons themselves. (Note: Our affiliate company, DRONECO GUNS AND AMMO, has a booth at leading weekend gun shows from Texas to Florida to Virginia.) Maximum forward speed: 300 knots. Climb rate: 250 feet per second. Maximum altitude: 5,000 feet. Flight duration: six hours.
IMPORTANT LEGAL NOTICE:
Due to recent filibusters in the Senate, as well as legal challenges from the American Civil Liberties Union, the freedom to own a private drone remains in limbo. A statement from the DroneCo Senior Vice President of Legal Affairs addresses this issue head-on, however: “Given the current makeup of the Supreme Court,” he says, “we expect all public and private drones to receive the full protection of the Second Amendment, the way our Founders intended.”
Peter Tannen is a humor writer who has won multiple awards from the National Press Club (Washington, D.C.), the Press Club of Long Island and the Florida Press Association. His columns can also be heard on select Public Radio stations across the U.S. www.tannenweekly.com