Polar BearCHAPTER I:

Here are some things everyone should know about global warming (all reports guaranteed true):

In Europe, the bears are confused. It’s too warm to hibernate at their normal time, and all the berries are gone. Where the bears will find food, and what they’ll do with their spare time if warm weather persists, is anybody’s guess.

Butterflies are moving north, from Italy all the way to Finland. If you happen to live in Helsinki and have just spent a fortune on down vests and large quantities of alcoholic beverages for a long, dark winter, butterflies can be quite disconcerting.

The flowers are also bewildered—many blooming during Europe’s increasingly warm winters (which seem like early spring to them). Forsythia is blooming several months early in alpine valleys in Austria.

In the Rockies, ski resorts are making contingency plans to move to higher elevations, where there’s actually some dependable snow. Some resorts have already lobbied the U.S. government for new leases on federal land at higher altitudes.

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On a positive note, global warming is nothing but good news for cockroaches! They thrive in warmer weather, so we can expect them to reproduce more frequently during the year, and more of them will survive the new, shorter winters. (Same goes for fleas and ticks, by the way.)


Is global warming coming to your neighborhood? Look for possible clues:

A. While walking your dog in January you start to sneeze and your eyes begin to itch. Is that really a field of ragweed your dog is peeing in?

B. Your local NFL team has shed its hot helmets and pads and is now wearing shorts and T-shirts and playing in the brand new NTFL: the National Touch Football League. Their stadium has been completely air-conditioned.

C. Canadian travel ads appear in your local newspaper, offering “Yukon Ice-Skating Vacations”—a tour of the last three naturally frozen ponds in North America.


Here’s what you can do about global warming:


Write a letter expressing your concerns to President Obama, your senator and your congressman. This will make you feel better, but will accomplish absolutely nothing.

Ironically, some say our only hope may be Texas, an epicenter of global warming. If Texas has six months of 110-degree heat and its low-lying cities (i.e. Galveston and Corpus Christi) vanish into the Gulf of Mexico, that may get some attention from Texas Gov. Rick Perry. Then again, maybe not.


1. Build a large wooden boat. Collect a male and a female of your favorite species.

2. Buy retirement property in the “New Sun Belt” while prices are still low. (This includes North Dakota, Montana, parts of Idaho, Alaska and northern Maine.)

3. Check out emerging investment opportunities: Roach Motel is clearly one product poised to set new sales records. And Wall Street is excited about earnings from companies that make SPF 400 sunscreen products, as well as the rumor that Warren Buffett has bought the two remaining companies in America that still make large hats.

4. Start a branch of the GWDC (Global Warming Defense Corps) on your block. You’ll learn basic survival skills, like “Xtreme grilling”—including recipes for simple meals to cook on the hood of your car or on concrete sidewalks.

Note: Experts will also teach you which strategies and weapons are effective against hordes of hungry, confused European bears.

Global warming is here. It’s time for all of us to adapt and evolve.


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