Long Island News

It’s birthday week.

My birthday week….and while the actual day of the anniversary of my birth is Thursday, I have unilaterally decided to take the whole week ….

A day is not enough. I have people to see and things to do and so I refer to this week as my “Birth Week.”

I come from a long line of worriers.

Not warriors…worriers.

So I come by the “worrying thing” honestly.

If my mother, Marge, did not worry, she would have nothing to do. And she doesn’t just worry about actual events or things that are known to be true…she worries about imagined and possible things and events and quite frankly, I think the types of worries she concocts reveal some disturbing things about her psyche.

I signed my husband up on JDate.

Are we still married? Yes.
Does he know he is on JDate? No.

Why did I do this?

Well, it’s like this. If you were thinking of firing someone from a job, wouldn’t it be easier if you could tell them you had already found them another one?

One of the Vuvs coined the phrase “I hate him like poison,” and it stuck. It’s “Vuv Vocab” used to describe a phase when the sight of your spouse’s face makes you want to run for the hills, the sound of his breath annoys you and his voice is like sharp nails on a chalkboard.

Used universally and shortened to “Poison,” the one word speaks volumes.

“How was your weekend?” one Vuv asks another.

I would be remiss if I didn’t take a moment to write to my Vuvs about manners.

After all, this has been a great week to teach your kids a thing or two about etiquette and appropriate behavior.

Let me recap.

First, Congressman Joe Wilson interrupts the President of the freaking United States by yelling out “You lie” in the middle of a major address to the nation;

In my marriage, we have defined roles. I take care of everything and he throws out the garbage.

I don’t want to downplay garbage. It does go out twice a week and it is about thirty yards from the area the cans are stored to the curb….and weather and squirrels can make the matter complicated…but like in many of the households of my friends with “vuvs” (translation: ladies) the division of labor is slightly lopsided.