MAIL - PARTIAL SCORE

The financially struggling U.S. Postal Service announces that it plans to end Saturday mail delivery starting in August to cut $2 billion in costs. Under the proposal, packages would still be delivered. The USPS also announces plans to launch “Rain, Heat & Snow,” a new line of all-weather, device-accommodating apparel and accessories in 2014. We doubt a clothing line will do much in the way of profits. Just ask Kim Kardashian! But a sex tape on the other hand…

TECH GIANTS - BULL’S EYE

Apple, Google, Facebook, Twitter and Microsoft, among hundreds of other companies, stand up for same-sex marriage by signing on to a brief filed with the U.S. Supreme Court, which calls the Defense of Marriage Act not only unconstitutional but “bad for business.” The brief will be part of the suits against DOMA, which defines marriage as only being between a man and a woman, that the Supreme Court will hear in March. So, Apple and Microsoft are on the same side in a lawsuit? That’s an historical moment in itself!

NASA BUDGET CUTS - OFF TARGET

The scientists at NASA makes major progress in the art of wastewater recycling, which turns urine back into water through forward osmosis. Sure, this will come in handy if we ever spend time on Mars, but the Obama Administration has already proposed big cuts to NASA’s 2013 Mars programs, including backing out of a joint mission with the European Space Agency that would have included the first direct search for life on Mars since the ’70s. Kanye West infamously said, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.” Somewhere in space there’s an alien interrupting a broadcast saying, “Barack Obama doesn’t care about extraterrestrials.”

NUDE BEACH - PARTIAL SCORE

The days of all-over tanning at Fire Island’s famed nude beaches come to an end as officials announce they will start enforcing NYS laws against public nudity. The reasons given by officials: The Sandy-damaged boardwalk to the FI Lighthouse means visitors will have to walk through the area where nudists gather; a lack of lifeguards and restrooms; the negative effects of crowds on the environment; and an increase in criminal activity including public sex and prostitution. Violators who ignore the ban face up to six months in jail and a fine of up to $5,000. Unfortunately, Speedo bikini bottoms are still perfectly legal.

BLOOMBERG - BULL’S EYE

Following his bans on transfats and extra-large soft drinks in the city, NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg takes on Styrofoam in his final State of the City address, calling it, “One product that is virtually impossible to recycle and never biodegrades…Something that we know is environmentally destructive and that may be hazardous to our health, that is costing taxpayers money and that we can easily do without, and is something that should go the way of lead paint.” We can dig it.

HORSE MEAT - OFF TARGET

While horse meat continues to surface in Europe, most recently in IKEA’s famous Swedish meatballs, the U.S. Department of Agriculture tells Americans we have nothing to worry about because it is illegal to bring horse meat into the U.S. for human consumption, unlike in Europe. So you can go back to cursing IKEA for the miniature pieces and nonsensical directions involved in putting together its PAX Uggdal Closet Sliding Doors, but don’t take your anger out on the meatballs.

I hope it works like this:

COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!

Open eyes. See big ass rooster.

“OK Glass. Snooze”

Go back to sleep.

COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!

Open eyes. See big ass rooster. Again.

“OK Glass. Google pictures of shotguns. Animate shotgun to shoot rooster.”

BANG.

“OK Glass. Wipe rooster bits from my screen.”

(Windshield wiper effect.)

“OK Glass. Email Jed Morey. Hey Jed. A rooster died in my room. I’ll be late.”

Go back to sleep.

For everyone else, particularly those who ride in balloons, fence, double-dutch jump, or ride roller coasters, this is perfect for you.

1. SIP 495 WINE

Chardonnay, merlot… Pick your exit. Palmer Vineyards in Aquebogue has come up with a line of beverages that screams Long Island—495 Wines. They all come with an Interstate 495 label that, depending on how your commute went, will make you either smile or swear as you savor the bouquet.

2. VISIT DAMNYOUAUTOCORRECT.COM

Smart phones are great, most of the time. But if you’ve ever sent a quick email or text message, only to have it butchered by autocorrect, then the hilarious, sometimes vulgar, miscommunications compiled here are a must-read.

3. GET A DESKTOP DUMPSTER

It’s January, a time for making New Year’s resolutions you probably won’t keep come February. If yours is to get organized, this mini dumpster from SteelPlant.net will do the trick, and look awesome holding your pens, scissors, mini liquor bottles, or whatever else you keep in your desk. Hey, we’re not judging.

4. SEE BLANCANIEVES

Director Pablo Berger’s fairy tale/drama remake of Snow White set in 1920s Seville tells the tale of Carmen, her evil stepmother and a band of roving, bullfighting dwarves. Need we say more? The movie hits theaters Jan. 18.

5. DOWNLOAD GOOGLE MAPS

If you have an iPhone, don’t risk your safety using Apple Maps any longer. To avoid ending up in a desert with no water or dangling off a cliff, download the new Google Maps app for iPhone. It’s free and it just might save your life, literally.

6. BUY AN “AUTHORS ARE MY ROCK STARS” WALL CALENDAR

From William Shakespeare to Mark Twain to Jack Kerouac to Maya Angelou, this wall calendar features insightful quotes and photos of authors with that rock-star edge. Get it at Amazon.com.

7. TOAST POE

An unknown visitor—or visitors—known as the mysterious “Poe Toaster” has celebrated Edgar Allan Poe’s birthday every year since 1949 in the early morning hours of Jan. 19 by leaving a bottle of cognac and three roses at Poe’s grave in Baltimore. But the Poe Toaster has been MIA for the past few years… Hint, hint.

8. AUDITION FOR MTV’S TRUE LIFE

Casting calls are open for Furries (people who dress up in animal fur suits); Drunkorexics (those who skip meals to save calories for alcohol); Re-sex-changers (those who have undergone gender reassignment surgery, then changed their minds)—and many others. Visit MTV.com for details.

9. TIVO STORAGE WARS NEW YORK

A&E’s spin-off comes to our stomping grounds in 2013, and follows a group of modern-day treasure hunters on their journeys every Tuesday at 10 p.m. beginning Jan. 1.

10. GET A STARGAZING PERMIT

A $30 stargazing permit from New York State Parks allows you entry after sunset to six LI parks—Hither Hills, Jones Beach, Montauk Point, Robert Moses, Wildwood and Sunken Meadow—to observe the skies above. Card-carrying stargazers are limited to the parking lots, so running into the ocean naked at 3 a.m. will still get you kicked out and/or arrested.