Sandra Bernhard

Some might call Sandra Bernhard the Siren of Snark, the Snide and the Snarl, but the celebrity comedian is so much nicer and kinder and sweeter than anyone would ever suspect when she’s not on stage. And that’s her secret.

When she’s on, channeling the moment, she can be so sharp that a laser would be a blunt instrument in another’s hands. Yet the truth is, at this point in her multi-faceted career, she’s actually mellowed, dare we say—her word—matured. Gone are the shows when she’d grab a flashlight and stab a cowering audience member with its probing beam and skewer him or her with her steely wit.

“You kind of get a little more sophisticated as the years go by,” she told the Press recently on the phone from her apartment in Chelsea. “You do things differently. I’m certainly not going to talk about…dating!”

Long Islanders who didn’t make her critically acclaimed run at Joe’s Pub in Manhattan over the winter holidays will get their chance to catch Bernhard on Saturday, April 13, at the Patchogue Theatre for the Performing Arts, which, she made clear, better not be a comedy club or “I’ll be calling my agents when I hang up and firing them!”

Despite her years in the business as a very funny performer—and an award-winning actor for her role as a stalker in Martin Scorsese’s dark classic, The King of Comedy, Bernhard says, “I never played comedy clubs on Long Island!” Those clubs are too small to encompass everything she does.

“I like to reveal more of myself, it’s more personal, it’s more global,” she says. “It kind of covers the whole landscape of culture that we all go through every day.”

She says she knows the Island—her uncle was a doctor in Merrick—and could find her way from Hauppauge to Patchogue “if I had to!” She’ll be performing her act, “I Love Being Me, Don’t You,” which has a little bit of everything, including her band, the Flawless Zircons.

As she put it, “It’s a big, fabulous, fun show that covers all the different bases of entertainment, from burlesque to cabaret to rock ‘n’ roll to comedy. It’s old school and post-modern, all put-together!”

In her show, she tells stories and sings, drawing “little bits and pieces” from Barbara Streisand, Carol Burnett, Tina Turner, Stevie Nicks and even Joni Mitchell and melding them “into my own musical, comedic sensibilities.”

Her albums include “I’m Your Woman,” “Excuses for Bad Behavior” and “Whatever It Takes.” She’s also performed with Chrissie Hinds, Cyndi Lauper and the Scissor Sisters.  On “Roseanne” she played Nancy Bartlett, the first openly gay character on a network sitcom. Recently she did another ground-breaking series, DTLA (short for Downtown Los Angeles), on the Logo cable network, and completed a stint on ABC’s “Neighbors.” But by all accounts, she first made her mark when she starred with Jerry Lewis and Robert Di Nero in “The King of Comedy,” which is getting a much welcome makeover in time for its 30th anniversary as it closes this year’s Tribeca Film Festival on April 27.

Working with Jerry Lewis, she told us, was “not easy but fabulous, you know…to observe him and get to be around his madness and brilliance.”

Not too long ago Andy Cohen, the dapper host of Bravo’s “Watch What Happens,” happily dubbed Bernhard the “Margaret Mead of Pop Culture,” and she didn’t contradict him. She was sitting next to Jane Fonda deconstructing the “Real Housewives” phenomenon. Although Fonda has done 28 workout-related videos and she’s done none, Bernhard doesn’t mind. “Do I look like somebody who would do a workout tape?” she smirks.

She will work up a sweat, though, when she plays Patchogue.

“I like new things and I like old things,” she says. “I like smart people and I like people who have trail-blazed and taken chances. Those are all my influences! And I try to bring that all together in a really compelling, entertaining night that people will walk away from going, ‘Wow! She took me someplace! She didn’t leave me in the lurch.’ That’s really what I attempt to do every time I step on stage.”

Lindsay Lohan in her March 2013 mug shot.

Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan’s April Fools Day joke announcement that she’s pregnant didn’t go over so well given that the Merrick native is facing a 90-day sentenced of court-ordered drug rehab—again.

The 26-year-old Mean Girls star posted on Twitter, “Its official. Pregnant …” The tweet sparked a flurry of speculation over whether Lohan—who’s dating City of the Sun guitarist Avi Snow—was serious or her account was hacked until she deleted the post Tuesday and followed up with, “April Fools. Where’s everyone’s sense of humor?”

Some thought she was serious, offered congratulations and urged her to prepare for motherhood. Others blasted Lohan, whose rap sheet has continued to grow after several brief stints in Los Angeles jail in recent years.

She was on probation for stealing a necklace when she was arrested last fall for assaulting a woman in a Manhattan nightclub the same day California authorities charged her with lying to police and reckless driving in a crash, causing a judge to revoke her probation.

She pleaded no contest in March to the latest California crimes and was sentenced to 90 days in a lock-down rehab clinic to be treated for alcohol and prescription drug addiction, 30 days of community service and 18 months of psychotherapy, starting May 2.

Lohan is scheduled to appear on the Late Show with David Letterman next Tuesday to promote her guest appearance on Charlie Sheen’s FX series Anger Management and her role in Scary Movie 5, which hits theaters next month.

Nassau County police arrested Rhonda Wander and charged her with leaving the scene of an incident with injury.

Police said the 59-year-old woman was backing her vehicle on Narwood Avenue when she struck a landscaper who was working in the area at 3:30 p.m.

The 48-year-old man she allegedly hit wrote down her license plate information, called 911 and gave it to responding officers who tracked the suspect down, police said.

The victim was taken to a local hospital for treatment of pain to his back, right arm and right leg.

Wander was released on an appearance ticket and is scheduled to appear at First District Court in Hempstead on April 17.

Nassau County police arrested Douglas Dukofsky and charged him with forcible touching on Sunday.

Police said the 43-year-old Merrick man was using the device on the 21-year-old victim’s legs when he “moved it across her genital area two times” at Valley Stream Chiropractic Wellness Center at 12:20 p.m. Saturday, police said in a news release.

The victim’s mother, who was also in the room, grew concerned and demanded that Dukofsky stop the exam, police said. Both women left the office and called 911.

Dukofsky will be arraigned Monday at First District Court in Hempstead.

Nassau County police said Earlene Wilson walked into the Chase Bank on Merrick Road and tried to open an account using a fraudulent New York State driver’s license at 3:40 p.m.

The 67-year-old suspect was arrested at the scene.

Wilson was charged with criminal possession of a forged instrument. She will be arraigned Tuesday at First District Court in Hempstead.

Among the changes in the newly redrawn Nassau County legislative district maps is that the Five Towns area was split up between four districts.

Nassau County legislators approved new district lines despite rowdy critics packing the chamber who accused the Republican majority that drew the map of gerrymandering to protect their power for the next decade.

Lawmakers voted 10-9 along party lines Tuesday in favor of the GOP’s redistricting plan that forces four legislators—two Democrats and two Republicans—into two districts, potentially forcing them to primary each other. Audience members chanted “shame, shame” in unison immediately after the vote.

“This is the best map that we can provide for the citizens of Nassau County,” said Presiding Officer Norma Gonsalves (R-East Meadow), who had adjourned a marathon meeting that ran past midnight last week in order to tweak the lines. “I think we did as best we could under the circumstances.”

Redistricting is required under federal law after the census every 10 years to adjust legislative districts at all levels of government to make up for population shifts. But critics of the process allege that the lines were redrawn to give Republicans a chance to pick up another three seats, which would give them a supermajority.

Legis. Wayne Wink (D-Roslyn) and Legis. Delia DeRiggi-Whitton (D-Glen Cove) will be forced to primary one another after their homes were redrawn into one district. The same goes for Legis. Michael Venditto (R-North Massapequa) and Legis. Joseph Belesi (R-Farmingdale), who’s reportedly planning to retire.

“This fight is not over,” said Minority Leader Kevan Abrahams (D-Hempstead) after questioning the number of public hearings that were held and urging the public to lobby County Executive Ed Mangano to veto the legislation.

Fred Brewington, a Hempstead-based civil rights attorney, testified before the legislature last week that he intends to challenge the map in court based on alleged Voting Rights Act violations.

Republican legislators bristled at repeated accusations that they are racist based on allegations that the map they drew is intended to disenfranchise minority voters who typically vote for Democrats.

“Nobody is here to cause consternation and unhappiness,” said Frank Moroney, chairman of Nassau’s Temporary Districting Advisory Commission, who defended the map as meeting the constitutional guarantee of “one person, one vote.”

Legis. Dave Denenberg (D-Merrick), whose house had been redrawn into a neighboring district to force him to run against Legis. Joseph Scannell (D-Baldwin), was relieved when the map was redrawn to not pit the two Democrats against one another, but remained critical of the revision.

“It’s all just a desperate attempt to carve 12 Republican districts out of 19 in a county that is a third Republican at this point,” Denenberg said, referring to a nearly 36,000-enrollment advantage Democrats have over Republicans—368,049 Dems vs. 332,197 GOP out of 960,331 registered voters in Nassau, according to the New York State Board of Elections.

Among the changes in the newly redrawn Nassau County legislative district maps is that the Five Towns area was split up between four districts.

The Republican-controlled Nassau County legislature is close to approving redrawn district lines that will force four Democratic incumbents into two districts when they seek re-election this fall despite legal challenges and accusations of gerrymandering.

The new political map will also put two Republicans into the same district as a part of the once-a-decade redistricting process required to ensure legislators represent an equal amount of residents based on 2010 census data. County Executive Ed Mangano, a Republican, is expected to sign the new map into law, if it passes as widely anticipated at the legislature’s next meeting on March 4.

“This is not an easy task,” Presiding Officer Norma Gonsalves (R-East Meadow) said before adjourning the meeting shortly before 1 a.m. Tuesday. She pleaded at times for the audience not disrupt the meeting in the packed legislative chamber of the Theodore Roosevelt Executive and Legislative Building in Mineola, reminding the crowd that redistricting is legally required “in order to guarantee the constitutional protection of one person, one vote.”

Legis. Dave Denenberg (D-Merrick) had his 10-block-wide sliver of his neighborhood lump his house into the neighboring district, pitting him against Legis. Joseph Scannell (D-Baldwin). Legis. Delia DeRiggi-Whitton (D-Glen Cove) saw her district merged with that of Legis. Wayne Wink (D-Roslyn). And the district held by newly elected Michael Venditto (R-North Massapequa) absorbed the part of a neighboring district that’s home to Legis. Joseph Belesi (R-Farmingdale), who Newsday reports may be retiring.

Democrats drew the current map when they had the majority in the legislature a decade ago but their proposal to keep the same districts intact was rejected. In 2011, the New York State Court of Appeals threw out an earlier version of the redrawn lines that the Nassau GOP legislative majority rushed through before that year’s elections with little public input.

“Packing and cracking have long been used to gerrymander districts,” said Nancy Rosenthal, co-president of the League of Womens Voters of Nassau County, referring to the practice of redrawing political maps to pack districts with voters registered to the majority party and crack apart areas where members of the opposition party live. “It is demoralizing to see it happening to this extent in Nassau.”

Analysts predict the redrawn map could help Republicans add two seats to their majority, or potentially three seats that could give the GOP a supermajority, according to Brian Paul, research and policy coordinator at Common Cause New York, a nonprofit organization that proposed an alternate map with a coalition of other nonpartisan advocacy groups.

That’s despite the fact that Democrats have a nearly 36,000-enrollment advantage over Republicans—368,049 Dems vs. 332,197 GOP out of 960,331 registered voters in Nassau, according to the latest New York State Board of Elections data. There’s also 212,932 unaffiliated voters, 33,408 Independence Party registrants, 10,249 registered Conservatives, 2,132 Working Family Party members, 1,159 members of the Green Party and 175 listed as “other,” the data shows.

“The only real benefit of moving 360,000-plus people is to shift things around so there is …  incumbent safety or partisan politics advantage,” said Frederick Brewington, a Hempstead-based civil rights attorney who plans to sue the county over the map, if it’s approved. “At some point the question will be asked of you—explain yourself. And in this situation, the concept of this just being a policy decision is not going to cut it.”

Critics also decried the legislative majority for planning to pass a map certain to rack up legal fees the financially strapped county can’t afford over alleged violations of the Voting Rights Act.

Brewington joined others who personally appealed to the legislators, especially Legis. Denise Ford of Long Beach, a registered Democrat who caucuses with the Republicans.

In addition to members of various civic organizations, the dozens of speakers who voiced opposition to the new map before the vote included elected officials from the villages of East Hills and Freeport as well as the Uniondale and Great Neck school districts.

Francis Moroney, chairman of Nassau Temporary Districting Commission, said the panel hired Albany-based Skyline Demographic Consultants to draw the first draft of the map before it was tweaked to address concerns the public raised at a series of hearings.

“Every decision you make flows through and affects someplace else,” said Moroney, likening the process of trying to keep communities with similar interests together to an overflowing bowl of Jell-O. “It doesn’t happen in a vacuum. And it’s certainly not a perfect process.”

Adam Haber, a Roslyn school board member challenging former County Executive Tom Suozzi for the Democratic Party line to run against Mangano in November, doubted the fairness of the redistricting process.

“It’s obvious that the will of the people is against this process and the map,” said Haber, an East Hills resident. “What’s the point of … this hearing if the elected officials don’t listen?”

Denenberg made one last stand before the meeting was adjourned for the fight to continue next month, when another lengthy debate is sure to ensure.

“The only reason for that line is to come after me,” he told Morony, pointing to the sliver of the proposed District 14 that juts into southern Merrick, separating his neighborhood from the rest of the hamlet in proposed District 13. “That line that you drew in Merrick … strangely is two houses from my house.”

A driver uses their cell phone while behind the wheel.

Jacy Good learned while hospitalized on her 22nd birthday in 2008 that the Pennsylvania crash that nearly killed her claimed her parents’ lives—thanks to a teenage driver talking on his cell phone.

The White Plains resident who later dedicated her life to advocating against distracted driving shared those and other painful details during a panel discussion Wednesday at Lindenhurst High School.

“We need to change the way we think about this,” Good told students assembled at the school library. “When you are driving, do what it takes to not pick up your phone.”

Leading the discussion was New York State Sen. Charles Fuschillo (R-Merrick), who pointed to studies that found drivers distracted by their cell phones are 23 times more likely to be involved in a collision.

“Distracted drivers put everyone’s safety at risk,” said Fuschillo, chairman of the Senate Transportation Committee. “Technology enables us to communicate with one another almost whenever and wherever we want, but it endangers lives when drivers pay more attention to a text or email than to the road ahead.”

Trooper Frank Bandiero, who was also on the panel, said that distracted drivers—20,000 of whom were ticketed by state police between July 2011 and July 2012, including 1,400 on LI—are easy to spot since they drive erratically. He said that parents need to set an example for their kids by not using their phones while driving.

A recent survey found that 58 percent of high school seniors and 43 percent of high school juniors said they had texted or emailed while driving during the previous month, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control.

“Young people, we think we’re invincible,” said Kristen Curran, a senior at Lindenhurst High School who recently obtained her driver’s license and joined the panel. “We think we have so many more years to come, but that’s not the truth.”