Thanksgiving Day in America means turkey and the NFL. However, in southwest Florida the All-Avian Football League (AAFL) holds its drumstick day classic at the Celery Fields in Sarasota. This year’s high flying football feast’s matchup features the Longboat Key Snowbirds vs. the Bradenton Black Hawks. The game has no endless TV time outs and commercials, just feather flying tackles and touchdowns.
Staying on Longboat Key, I get to watch the Snowbirds practice everyday on Beer Can Island. They have a wide open offense with four receiver sets to maximize scoring. Towering touchdown tosses put tushies in the seats and pay the bills. This is what their offensive lineup will be this Thanksgiving Day.
Left Tackle
This bird is responsible for protecting the quarterback’s blind side. The Turkey Vulture is a big, strong, agile flier who gets good position on pass rushers. Ever see it’s small, pointy head? It has a face only a mother can love. Lining up mere inches from it, pass rushers often close their eyes and are caught flatfooted when the ball is snapped. Ugly has advantages.
Left Guard
Even in a passing game you’ve got to run the ball and the bird at this position has to block his man, opening a hole for the runner. Ever see a Herring Gull tear pieces of flesh from a fish, making it bounce and jiggle? Defensive tackles or linebackers this big gull blocks are slow getting off the turf.
Center
This bird has to call the offensive line signals and snap the ball on every play. The Pileated Woodpecker has a long dagger-like bill that chips out large rectangular sections of trees to get at insects. Defensive linemen have to face that bill on every play. This bird’s striking cartoonish features belie its every down effectiveness.
Right Guard
Sometimes a bird has to pull out both leading and blocking for the runner. Other times in pass protection it must block pass rushing linemen. The black vulture is very aggressive around a kill. I once saw a raccoon skeleton completely stripped except for a few hairs and the vultures walking away. Defensive players have seen that also and don’t wish to be in a YouTube video illustrating how it’s done.
Right Tackle
The Brown Pelican has a 79-inch wingspan which means that onrushing defensive linemen have a long way to go to get to the QB or the ball carrier. Air sacs beneath their skin cushion the blow when they dive for fish and do the same when impacting pass rushers. The pelican family goes back in the fossil record at least 30 million years. Its forebears are said to have played in the Karakum Desert League during the Stone Age. This bird’s a natural.
Wide Receiver No. 1
The bird at this position has to be a “burner” going deep and “stretching” the field. The Peregrine Falcon can dive at 200 mph and is a TD threat on every play. It has vertical black feathers by its eyes to protect against sun glare saving the team money on eye black grease. It’s rumored that for the turkey day game this speedster is not going to have it’s name on the back of its jersey but will have “Bye, Bye Blackbirds,” written there.
Wide Receiver No. 2
Here you want a guy with flat out “downhill” speed who flies by defensive backs and catches the deep ball on the run. The Avocet, a rookie, has a long pointed upturned bill which it swings from side to side underwater searching for prey which is perfect for cradling the ball. After the catch all the pass defenders can do is watch as the avocet crosses the goal line and a “zebra” signals touchdown.
Slot Receiver
Curl routes over the middle or to the sideline are the White Ibis’s specialty. These are low risk passes that a team has to complete to stay out of 3rd and long situations and to get first downs. The ibis family goes back in the fossil record 60 million years. Moses is said to have used an ibis ancestor to help defeat the Ethiopians. The Snowbirds are hoping their guy will continue that tradition against the Black Hawks.
Tight End
The White Pelican is over five-feet in length, weights in at 16.4 lbs and has a nine-foot wingspan. He has everything this position demands to block for the running game and to out jump smaller pass defenders on fade routes in the end zone. He’s also a fan favorite at tailgate parties while downing fish burgers. His picture is also on the cover of all official Snowbird programs available at every home game.
Tailback
The most aggressive bird on the beach is the Laughing Gull. He fights for every inch and keeps defenses from spreading out using and “nickel” and “dime” packages against the passing game. Medium sized at 16.5-inches, he plays bigger than he looks and keeps the chains moving.
Quarterback
Bonaparte’s Gull, named for a nephew of Napoleon, who was a zoologist, is the team’s field general. He plans precise pass routes, reads defenses especially well and calls his own plays. Unlike the French Emperor, who, using a dated game plan couldn’t stop the Russian ground game in Moscow, he studies film for hours every day and uses computer models for his game plan.
Field Goal Kicker and Punter
A throwback to the 1950s, the Roseate Spoonbill does double duty playing both positions. This bird is an explosion of color that has a gray Dixie-cupped bill. Up close the bird looks like it came from Mars. Opposing players stare while that bill launches the ball through the uprights on place kicks or sky high on punts. He’s almost automatic on field goals and his “hang time” can be measured by an hour glass.
