Superheroes Finally Admit Using Performance-Enhancing Drugs

Wonder Woman - Steroids (Illus. Jon Moreno)
Wonder Woman - Steroids (Illus. Jon Moreno)
Illustration by Jon Moreno

NEW YORK — Two months after Lance Armstrong admitted to using illegal drugs, three Superheroes appeared at a joint press conference this morning and each of them confessed that they had, at different times in their careers, also used performance-enhancing drugs.

“Leap a tall building in a single bound?” asked Superman. “Unless you’re on serious anabolic steroids, there’s absolutely no way you’d even get to the third story,” said The Man of Steel.

“The public is naive and gullible,” added Spider-Man. “Did people actually think a skinny kid like Peter Parker could jump around like that without chemical help?”

When a reporter pointed out that Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider which gave him his superpowers, Spider-Man laughed and said, “Give me a break.”

Batman, the quietest of the trio, said he only used amphetamines in his early comic book years, not when he got into the movies. “I was young and stupid,” he said, “and I haven’t used them since my big Hollywood debut back in 1989.”

When asked where he got the drugs, Batman smiled.

“Look,” he said, “I’m a wealthy industrialist, playboy, and philanthropist. How hard is it for my butler, Alfred, to get me any drug I want in Gotham City?”

As for Robin, his sidekick, Batman said, “The kid is innocent and never took any drugs. Leave him out of this.”

“I don’t know why they’re singling out these guys right now,” said an unidentified attorney who represented the three Superheroes. “Some things that happen on the football field and in triathlons are clearly beyond human ability.”

“And why are women getting a pass? Has anyone questioned Wonder Woman yet? If I ran a congressional committee, I’d certainly check out those Amazons.”

The Hulk, Captain America, Wolverine, Halo Jones, The Joker, Dr. Doom and Emma Frost did not return phone calls for comment.