‘Two and a Half Men’ Premieres: Sheen Funeral and Kutcher Arrives

Ashton Kutcher in "Two and a Half Men"
Ashton Kutcher during premiere of “Two and a Half Men” on Monday night.
Ashton Kutcher in "Two and a Half Men"
Ashton Kutcher during premiere of "Two and a Half Men" on Monday night.

“Two and a Half Men” premiered Monday night and Charlie Sheen’s TV death became official.

CBS said goodbye to Sheen with a funeral filled with angry ex-lovers who couldn’t wait to spit on Charlie Harper’s dead body because of various sexually transmitted diseases attributed to him, and some other not-so-romantic moments they had with the millionaire womanizer.

To their dismay, Harper’s body remained hidden in the casket because it was unpleasant to look at. Or as Sheen’s obsessed neighbor Rose put it: His “body just exploded like a balloon full of meat,” after she “accidentally” watched him trip on a subway platform and get hit by a train.

All that was left of Sheen’s character was a bottle full of ashes, and his reign as one of TV’s highest paid actors officially ended. Said his TV brother Alan Harper: “I’m talking and you’re in a bottle ignoring me.”

Just like old times.

The much-anticipated premiere also introduced die-hard “Men” fans to Ashton Kutcher’s character Walden Schmidt—a brokenhearted softy who would rather kill himself than live without the woman he loves.

Charlie Sheen’s ex-Goddesses 

And there were plenty of other differences as the creators of the show seemed intent on turning the page from Sheen’s sexcapades.

Sheen, for example, played a millionaire, while Kutcher’s character has billions in the bank, but could care less about the money.

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Charlie Sheen, the former star of 'Two and a Half Men' Picture by: Associated Press

Harper loved downing alcohol, Walden, well, hates the taste of adult beverages, as proof by the expression on his face after he sips an Appletini with Jon Cryer’s character, Alan Harper.

But that all changed when Kutcher’s character had sex with two women at the end of Monday’s premiere, leaving viewers confused and wondering: Who is Walden Schmidt?

It seems more answers are soon to come, since we were told the show is “To be continued…” leaving viewers with the image of Kutcher walking around naked as his male companion dangled along.

But the story, of course, was still Sheen as they held his funeral before moving on with Kutcher, hoping he can carry “Two and a Half Men” like Sheen did for eight years.