Somali Pirates Offer Loan To Nassau County

Somali Pirates Offer Loan To Nassau County (Jon Moreno)
Somali Pirates Offer Loan To Nassau County
Illustration by Jon Moreno

NEW YORK — At a press conference today, the chief financial officer of the Somali Pirates offered Nassau County a substantial low-cost loan to help solve its current financial crisis.

CFO Abdikarim Laaban said the Pirates had up to 275 million euro available to help the county, as it once again teetered on the brink of an economic cliff.

The terms of the loan offer were not disclosed, but a spokesperson for Nassau County hinted it was better than anything they had received from the U.S. Congress, thanks to ideological opposition from Conservative Republicans from Southern and Southwestern states.

The Somali Pirates (New York Stock Exchange Symbol: SOPIR) had a successful IPO in early December, when the market valued their stock at 57.4 billion euro on the first day of trading.

As he rang the opening bell on the NYSE floor, the leader of the Pirates was heard to comment, “It is wonderful to be among our brothers here on Wall Street.”

Mr. Laaban also confirmed that the Pirates are negotiating with Nassau County to allow them to open a branch office on Long Island Sound. This, he said, was part of a long-term strategic plan to increase their worldwide market penetration and revenue. They currently operate only in the Gulf of Aden.

“This will be a brand new market for us,” said Mr. Laaban, “And we certainly want to follow local customs and traditions and be a good corporate neighbor.”

A spokesperson for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security said they were following the situation closely. Analysts noted, however, that they would be hard-pressed to patrol Long Island waters under their current budget.

“Monitoring the whole of Long Island Sound is an expensive job,” said the spokesperson. “Especially since we have learned that terrorists have recently bought exploding underwear from China,” he continued. “So purchasing X-ray machines with the newest ‘Butt-Scanner’ technology is our first priority.”

Nassau County, one of America’s richest, is in serious financial trouble. The county was already facing a projected $25 million budget deficit before Superstorm Sandy further devastated the region’s economy.

Long Island cities and towns faced huge budget deficits before the storm, and were fighting to get their fiscal houses in order since the recession lowered tax revenues. They also face large pension and health-care obligations.

The Somali Pirates, on the other hand, seized a record 1,181 hostages in the second half of 2012 and corporate income rose 27.5 percent.

“Nassau County has a grave financial crisis,” said the Pirates’ CFO, “And we’d be happy to work with them to restore a balanced budget.

“Also, property values on the North Shore are still relatively quite low, and with increased U.S. Navy activity in the Gulf of Aden, Long Island seems like a more attractive place to live and work.”

“Besides, Long Island politicians cannot possibly be more corrupt that those in the Middle East. Can they?”

In other news, Suffolk County, which is in the midst of its own financial meltdown, confirmed today that they had called the Somali Pirates’ main office but their calls had not yet been returned.

“The eastern end of Long Island has a long history of being friendly to pirates,” said one anonymous legislator. “We’re all for private enterprise, and our people are currently putting together a package of corporate tax breaks to bring their organization here.”

Pete Tannen is a humor writer who has won multiple awards from the National Press Club (Washington, D.C.), the Press Club of Long Island and the Florida Press Association. His columns can also be heard on select Public Radio stations across the U.S.  www.tannenweekly.com