By Fred Moreno
westbury@antonnews.com
The phone rang at exactly 11:42 a.m. with the good news that after weeks and weeks of intense negotiations, it was finally decided that I could commence firing, I mean writing, for The Westbury Times. The editor told me that that vote was 5-4 with one abstaining due to lack of interest and that the four people who voted “absolutely no” were familiar with the column I have been writing for The Carle Place Frog Horn for the past 20 years. One of them even added, “just don’t do it!” Wasn’t that the Nike slogan?
Now because of all the pressure of the back and forth conference calls between the WT editors and my team of lawyers, my stream of consciousness was severely watered down. In other words, for the first time in the last 20 years I had writer’s block. What a first impression! The editors suggested that I go for a pedicure to get my writer’s juices flowing again. (What do I write with my toes?) My wife suggested I chill out in my neighbor’s hot tub. I thought it was a good idea, but my friend wouldn’t allow me to get in his tub wearing my orange life preserver and goggles.
The more the editors kept calling to check in on their prized “patient”, the more upset I became. Maybe if they agreed to my three biggest demands: the seven figure salary, the company car and the vacation day I wanted on Mayor Cavallaro’s birthday, my brain wouldn’t be in a Post Avenue gridlock. They tried to burst my verbal dam by offering me incentives, but the free three month subscription to the WT was not going to do it, nor was 10 Wednesdays worth of free ice cream sundaes at Carvel. Isn’t that the day when you buy one and get one free? Wise guys!
I finally called the editor who simply suggested, “Just tell the community a little bit about yourself in no more than 500 words.” The last time someone asked me that was on a job interview. Halfway through, I thought the HR guy was going to jump out the window. Luckily we were in the basement. And less than 500 words? That’s almost impossible. I’ll have to get around it by using abbreviations, contractions and even throw in some Morse code symbols as in …—… (Help!) But if that’s what the editor wants, that’s what she’ll get. So here it goes. Close any opened windows.
My name is Fred Moreno. My full first name is “Friedrich” — like the air conditioner. Guess that’s why I’m so cool. I am ¼ Italian, ¼ Latino, ¼ Irish and ¼ German. I don’t tell Polish jokes, some of my best friends are Jewish and I love Chinese food. I love listening to music especially gangster rap and Barry Manilow. My favorite TV shows are “The Honeymooners” and “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” I think the best two movies ever made were The Ten Commandments and Animal House. I don’t like revealing my political views although I do have a photo of Bill O’Reilly next to my wedding picture. Rarely did I go on second dates because the ladies said that I didn’t say, “two words”, so when I met JoAnn in college my first words were, “marry me.” She said yes, and that was that.
I’ll be right back. Have to take this call. “Yes, ma’am… now? But I’m in the middle…okay,will do.” It was the editor. I’m way over 500 words. Nevertheless, I think I’m going to like it here.
