“Hey Conforti,” the imaginary people who follow this pseudo-column say, “Stop showing like, uplifting stuff. This is the internet. I want to see stupid time lapse videos that are stupid but then again, are sorta awesome and kinda funny but not like ROFL funny but kinda funny and something I could show someone and be all like ‘Hey, check out this video out, it’s stupid but kinda cool and sorta funny’.”

Hm. Actually, I’ve got just the thing.

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