By Fred Moreno
After channel surfing last Tuesday, I was disappointed to learn that “Wheel of Fortune” was pre-empted. Not getting my daily dose of Vanna was unbearable, so I decided to take my Vanna somewhere we haven’t been in over a year — the movies.
We ran over to one of the Westbury theatres to catch the 8:05 p.m. show. Two steps into the lobby, I froze in my tracks. “JoAnn, am I seeing things or does that say $11.50 a ticket?” For 23 bucks I could have rented 23 movies from that red vending machine in the supermarket.
I didn’t want to disappoint my Vanna so I reluctantly took out my wallet. Then it hit me. We’re seniors. Maybe that will save me a few bucks. When I asked if there was a discount I was told that there was, but — are you ready for this — a driver’s license was not accepted as proof of age.
I think I scared the guy in the ticket booth when I screamed, “I usually don’t bring my birth certificate to the movies. How ‘bout I take out my dentures?”
I felt bad for the kid, but come on. The ingenious idea we came up with was to take off our wedding rings and show him where 1971 was etched. We convinced the kid that we weren’t younger than 17 when we got married putting us above the 60 mark. The kid said, “I’ll let you slide—this time.” Unbelievable!
After negotiating our admission, we began working our way to Theatre #3 where for the second time I was hit by a bolt of lightning. There in front of me was a larger than life poster display of the movie we were about to see, This is Where I Leave You, starring Jane Fonda. “JoAnn, you know I refuse to see anything that Hanoi Jane is part of!” I said. Thank goodness we were so early because after a solid 15 minute debate, I waved the surrender flag and proceeded down the red carpet humming, “God Bless America.”
JoAnn informed me that for making a scene, she wasn’t talking to me for the rest of the night unless I bought her a large buttered popcorn. Since “the rest of the night” would be taken up watching the movie, I really didn’t mind if she kept her promise. But I went for the popcorn to keep the peace.
I dragged myself to the candy counter knowing another price war was awaiting me. Sure enough, the cost of the popcorn was more than half the price of the ticket. I wasn’t going to ask for a senior discount this time, so I just bit the kernel.
After paying the $7, I was handed my giant sized popcorn. I found it a bit odd that if you wanted butter, you had to journey half a football field away from the concession stand. After traveling to the butter wing of the theatre, I immediately became victim of a malfunctioning butter dispenser. I hit the button, but before I pulled the bag out from under the machine, the bag and I were totally saturated.
I left a fifty yard oleo trail back to the counter. “Hey, Mr. Pop Arazzi, I have a leakage problem here and need another bag.”
“I am not allowed to give out popcorn bags because they are counted, but I can put your popcorn in a few soda cups Mr. Butterworth,” said the kid at the counter. After I gave him my best “looks could kill” expression, I simply said, “Hand over the cups.”
Getting back to the auditorium while balancing the six soda cups filled with popcorn definitely qualified me for, “America’s Got Talent.” I heard the butter sloshing around the bottom of each cup. Should I have gotten six straws? After locating my wife in the flickering lights, I handed her three cups and simply said, “It’s going to taste more like Jiffy Lube than Jiffy Pop.”
Besides a thousand other things, JoAnn has a problem with the way I eat almost anything and popcorn was extremely high on the list. Thus, after I began chomping on my first two mouthfuls of popcorn she turned to me and appropriately whispered, “This is where I leave you.” And with that she got up and ended up enjoying the movie sitting six rows behind me.
As a protest, I intentionally was inattentive to the movie. The lady in front of me asked me to stop humming our National Anthem while her husband reminded me to, “Stop with the popcorn.” I didn’t mind, for in less than 24 hours Vanna and I were going to be reunited once again.
