11 Reasons Why Not To Move to Long Island

Long Island

11. Schools too good
school busNobody likes a know it all. And with LI schools ranking among the best in the nation, there’s bus loads of smart-aleck-y kids running around shoving their science fair trophies and writing scholarships in your face. Thanks a lot, future of America.

10. Beaches too nice

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A woman carries her surfboard from the beach in the Hamptons.

There’s nothing worse than a nice relaxing day at the shore. Sure, a beach nap and dip in the ocean is great, but eventually the sun goes down, everyone has to leave, and the painful existence of work and/or school resumes.

9. Property too good an investment
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Don’t you just hate making the biggest investment of your life by purchasing a home to a raise a family and the value of that property constantly rising year after year because demand for housing is so high? Equity is exhausting.

8. Nightlife too fun 

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Greenport’s downtown has been lively since the LIRR first stopped there in the 19th century. (photo credit: Joe Shlabotnik/Flickr)

Uhg, between having to decide between an Islanders game, a concert at one of numerous local live music venues, or a night out at one of the many downtowns on LI, it’s enough to make you want to just stay home and do nothing instead.

7. Too many celebrities 

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“Piano Man” Billy Joel bids Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum farewell on Aug. 4, 2015.

You know what really grinds my gears? Bumping into some big-name movie star, TV host, supermodel, or music icon while out and about trying to live my life. Go back to Hollywood, famous people!

6. Scenery too beautiful 

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A dramatic sunset at a Sayville marina. (Shutterstock)

Did you know there’s a place on Fire Island where people gather to watch the sunset and they’re so inspired by the colorful celestial show reflecting off the Great South Bay that they all applaud when it’s over? Makes me sick.

5. NYC too accessible 

Times Square on a rainy night in New York City

Who wants to be about an hour train ride from the greatest city on Earth and all of the excitement to be had there? Not me.

4. Food too delicious
greek foodDon’t get me started on trying to decide what to eat. Yes, everyone knows about our pizza and bagels. But what about all the other cuisine, from five-star fine dining hot spots to acclaimed eateries run by celebrity chefs? Why not just microwave some Ramen?

3. Too many destinations

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Visitors at Montauk Point.

You mean it’s not bad enough that we have to live here, but we also have to vacation here? And amazing getaways like the Twin Forks, Shelter Island, and Fire Island are a short drive or boat ride away? Gross.

2. Too many beverages

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Blue Point Brewery debuted Colonial Ale, a beer recipe created by President George Washington, at the 2016 Hofstra Debates (Timothy Bolger/Long Island Press)

Then there’s all the delicious craft beer and wine that local brewers and wineries are pouring. I’ll stick with my box wine and cheap water-down, mass-produced beer, thank you very much.

1. Too much history

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The William Floyd Estate in Mastic was home to one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence. (Photo by Xiomaro). .

On top of everything else, this wretched sandbar also played a key role in pivotal moment’s of our nation’s history, from the Revolutionary War to the Moon landing? Get me outta here!