1. WATCH PUSSY RIOT’S “PUNK PRAYER”: Pussy Riot is a provocative Russian punk band that was arrested in March after a performance in Moscow’s main cathedral calling for the Virgin Mary to protect Russia against Vladimir Putin, who ended up getting elected two weeks later. The band members were sentenced to two years in prison on August 17, sparking protests in more than 50 cities. Some big names have also come forward in support of the band, including Paul McCartney, Madonna, and Bjork. The band members were charged with “hooliganism motivated by religious hatred,” making it even harder to take this sentencing seriously.
2. BUY A CARSTACHE: We really can’t say this any better than the Carstache company itself, “Your first Carstache feels like your first kiss, cold beer, snow cone, and slow dance. It’s glorious! It just feels good. It feels powerful. Your car has been naked until now. So strap a ‘stache, buckle up, and enjoy the ride!” Visit Carstache.com to pick your design. And if you really want to be awesome, buy a Bikestache. They come in handlebar sizes! Why? Why not.
3. GOOGLE “UKRAINE BAN SPONGEBOB”: That’s right, The Ukraine’s National Expert Commission for Protecting Public Morality has issued a report condemning the cartoon in an attempt to censor it, calling SpongeBob SquarePants “gay.” And that’s not all! Here are some other targets, along with a few choice quotes from the report: Teletubbies: “promotes the psychology of losers,” Shrek: “containing sadism,” Japanese Anime: “a clear example of sexist propaganda,” and our personal favorite: South Park: “reincarnation propaganda.” Yes, that’s the part of South Park that our kids need to be protected from.
4. GET TIX TO SEE SUSIE ESSMAN IN LEVITTOWN: Curb Your Enthusiasm’s Susie Greene is coming to Long Island to hurl insults and curse us out and we couldn’t be happier. The comedian known for throwing expletive-filled tantrums targeted at Larry David will perform three shows at Governor’s on October 12 and 13. If you live under a rock—or don’t get HBO—go to YouTube right now and type in “Susie Greene.” Your welcome.
5. DOWNLOAD PRIZE CLAW: If you’re one of those people who can’t pass by the mechanical crane machines without slipping in quarters—or dollars if you’re hardcore—for a chance at nabbing one of those tightly and strategically placed stuffed animals staring at you with big, unblinking eyes as if they were screaming “TAKE ME HOME!” then this is the app for you. You can hide behind the anonymity of your phone and win all sorts of cyber prizes without clogging your closet, or shrinking your wallet.
6. CREATE A QR CODE: Back in the day—you know, when dinosaurs roamed the earth, etc.—we would pass notes, written on actual paper with an actual #2 pencil, in class. Sometimes we’d even develop codes or use pig latin. But these days you can do a lot better. Type in text or a link and Quirfy.com will generate a 2D QR code that can be scanned and decoded using a mobile device..
7. YOUTUBE “KESHO AND ALF REUNITE”: After three years apart, two gorilla brothers are reunited at the Longleat Safari & Adventure Park in England. While zookeepers were worried they wouldn’t interact after such a long time apart, they immediately recognize one another. Like humans the brothers pat each other on the back, hug, shake hands, and act completely adorable.
8. GO TO MARVEL DAIRY WHIP: All good things must come to an end and as we get ready to say goodbye to summer, we must perform an even sadder task. We must relish in our last cone of the season. Lido Beach’s famous summer ice cream landmark, a seasonal favorite, will be closing when the cooler weather officially sets in. Take a brief moment of silence. Then order a soft serve pistachio and strawberry swirled cone freshly dipped in chocolate. You won’t be sorry.
9. ATTEND THE CALL TO ARMS: The 30th Annual Brooklyn Arm Wrestling Championships kick off at the Brighton Jubilee Festival on Coney Island Avenue August 26 at 1 p.m. It’s free to watch, $20 for male contestants and $5 for women contestants in both amateur and pro categories. $100 cash prizes will be given to Brooklyn’s Strongest Arm title winners. The Championships bring together locals from the five NYC Boroughs and Long Island to Turkey and Russia. Visit www.nycarms.com for details.
10. MAKE YOUR OWN BUTTER BEER: If you haven’t been able to schlep down to Orlando to sip on an ice cold Butter Beer while lounging in the shadow of Hogwarts castle as Hedwig’s Theme plays all around you, fear not Harry Potter fans. We’re pretty sure we cracked Universal Studios’ recipe. Fill up an ice cold mug three-quarters of the way with cream soda and plop a giant spoon full of Fluff on top. Let it fizz for 10 seconds, or the time it takes you to yell “Wingardium Leviosa!” while your magical beverage transforms—or flies!