Nano-News: All The News In 50 Characters Or Less


You knew it was coming.

After all, we’ve already made the leap from The New York Times (long, long articles) to USA Today (short, short articles) to Twitter (140 characters or less).

But why stop there? Why use 140 characters when just 50 will do?

So we did.

Just look at these concise, easy-to-read, “Nano-News” stories, coming your way soon from the Long Island Press:

Senator caught with hooker;
says still loves wife

LI man reaches 108th b’day;
credits old age to gin

Cubs win World Series;
three fans have coronaries

KKK gives up robes,
citing high cleaning costs

New exercise plan takes
only 20 seconds a day

Texas says daylight savings
time unconstitutional

Baby panda makes debut
at local zoo; looks cute

Scientists err; ‘killer’ asteroid
is 6-inches long

Tribe returns to jungle;
says modern world ‘nuts’

Honestly—what more do you need to know about those stories? (And why put up with those long, complicated Times words, many of which have several syllables?)
We’re doing this because Americans have lost their patience. Totally.

All of us are way too frantic these days—we’re so busy that nobody seems to have time for anything, not even reading the news. But I think “Nano-News” is just the start. Just watch what happens when our total lack of patience catches the attention of America’s “Job Creators” and they spring into action.

Music is one easy target. Any day now, I predict we’ll hear about a new music company called “Music-In-A-Hurry.com.”

“At last,” their ads will say, “you can enjoy the major themes from Beethoven’s famous ‘Ninth Symphony,’ with all the boring, repetitive parts left out.”

“You can sing along with the chorus for a full two minutes of Ludwig’s ‘Ode To Joy’ in the final movement! Or download only the best parts of Wagner’s ‘Ring of the Nibelung’—running time: under four minutes!”

“Into popular music? You can listen to the entire Beatles White Album in just three minutes on Music-In-A-Hurry.com. Or hum along with those great tunes from every one of Norah Jones’s platinum albums in a minute-and-a-half flat!”

Then there’s art.

How many of us can stand quietly in front of a Picasso, say, or a Van Gogh, and let our eyes slowly wander over every detail? We simply don’t have the time—and we have to be polite to the dozen people behind us who are impatiently waiting for the same fleeting glimpse.

So another new company—undoubtedly named “Important-Parts-Of-Important-Art.com”—will help us appreciate art.

A graphics file with a square inch or two of a major work of art will be emailed to you weekly—allowing you to savor a single water lily by Monet, a few square inches of a Jackson Pollock, or an area of pure black from an Ad Reinhardt canvas. Not to mention a square inch of a shark scale preserved in formaldehyde by Damien Hirst.

So there you have it: Today’s news, music and art updated and condensed for today’s impatient, always-in-a-hurry audience.

Personally, I can’t wait to see what else our entrepreneurs come up with.

You have to admit that this is either remarkable progress, or yet another sign of the ultimate decline of Western Civilization, depending on your point of view.

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