Jack Reacher’s Rules
Andy Warhol Campbell’s Tomato Soup Limited Edition:
Wiretap Crash’s Hand Over Fist EP: Wiretap Crash is a kick-ass post-hardcore band from LI that’s best experienced live. A super-group of sorts—with former members of Mind Over Matter, The Movielife and Dearly Departed, among others—this EP, Hand Over Fist, their only release to date, is the perfect introduction.
Hallucinations by Oliver Sachs:
Chardonnay, merlot… Pick your exit. Palmer Vineyards in Aquebogue has come up with a line of beverages that screams Long Island—495 Wines. They all come with an Interstate 495 label that, depending on how your commute went, will make you either smile or swear as you savor the bouquet.
Smart phones are great, most of the time. But if you’ve ever sent a quick email or text message, only to have it butchered by autocorrect, then the hilarious, sometimes vulgar, miscommunications compiled here are a must-read.
3. GET A DESKTOP DUMPSTERIt’s January, a time for making New Year’s resolutions you probably won’t keep come February. If yours is to get organized, this mini dumpster from SteelPlant.net will do the trick, and look awesome holding your pens, scissors, mini liquor bottles, or whatever else you keep in your desk. Hey, we’re not judging.
Director Pablo Berger’s fairy tale/drama remake of Snow White set in 1920s Seville tells the tale of Carmen, her evil stepmother and a band of roving, bullfighting dwarves. Need we say more? The movie hits theaters Jan. 18.
If you have an iPhone, don’t risk your safety using Apple Maps any longer. To avoid ending up in a desert with no water or dangling off a cliff, download the new Google Maps app for iPhone. It’s free and it just might save your life, literally.
6. BUY AN “AUTHORS ARE MY ROCK STARS” WALL CALENDARFrom William Shakespeare to Mark Twain to Jack Kerouac to Maya Angelou, this wall calendar features insightful quotes and photos of authors with that rock-star edge. Get it at Amazon.com.
An unknown visitor—or visitors—known as the mysterious “Poe Toaster” has celebrated Edgar Allan Poe’s birthday every year since 1949 in the early morning hours of Jan. 19 by leaving a bottle of cognac and three roses at Poe’s grave in Baltimore. But the Poe Toaster has been MIA for the past few years… Hint, hint.
Casting calls are open for Furries (people who dress up in animal fur suits); Drunkorexics (those who skip meals to save calories for alcohol); Re-sex-changers (those who have undergone gender reassignment surgery, then changed their minds)—and many others. Visit MTV.com for details.
A&E’s spin-off comes to our stomping grounds in 2013, and follows a group of modern-day treasure hunters on their journeys every Tuesday at 10 p.m. beginning Jan. 1.
A $30 stargazing permit from New York State Parks allows you entry after sunset to six LI parks—Hither Hills, Jones Beach, Montauk Point, Robert Moses, Wildwood and Sunken Meadow—to observe the skies above. Card-carrying stargazers are limited to the parking lots, so running into the ocean naked at 3 a.m. will still get you kicked out and/or arrested.
[colored_box color=”blue”]
The Nassau & Suffolk County unemployment rate as of November 2012, according to the New York State Department of Labor, up from a rate of 6.8 percent in November 2011.
[/colored_box]
An Indian protester holds a placard during one of many protests sparked by the Dec. 26 gang rape of a young woman who was thrown from a moving bus in New Delhi, India. The 23-year-old medical student, who was raped for nearly an hour, was flown to a Singapore hospital, where she died three days later from severe internal injuries. (AP Photo/Altaf Qadri)
BULL’S EYE A petition is posted on WhiteHouse.gov to legally recognize the Westboro Baptist Church, known for its extremist ideologies against homosexuals, Jews and even their fellow Christians, as a hate group. With hundreds of thousands of cyber signatures so far, it’s the most popular petition ever posted since the Obama administration launched the site last year. Amen to that.
BULL’S EYE After five years of arguing over a basement, Donald Trump’s massive on-again off-again luxury restaurant and catering facility that would have eaten up 86,000 square feet of Jones Beach with a two-story building, formal terraces, etc., is off again, after waves from super storm Sandy flooded the site. The risk of the same thing happening again sends the billionaire packing—back to his Manhattan penthouse. #1PercentProblems
PARTIAL SCORE Lisa Jackson steps down as administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency, issuing a statement that she is confident “the ship is sailing in the right direction” but doesn’t mention any reason for her decision. Hey, maybe she got a job on the board of directors over at Monsanto. It wouldn’t be the first time the agency charged with protecting the environment and the corporate giant set on destroying it swapped employees! We wish we were kidding.
OFF TARGET A genetically modified salmon mutated to grow twice as fast as natural salmon is on course to become the first GM animal in the world declared safe to eat, after the Food & Drug Administration gives it the OK, meaning mass production of the fish is just around the corner. So, the FDA, whose current deputy commissioner for foods is a former vice president of GM food giant Monsanto, has backed a mutant fish that will make the industry millions? Shocker!
OFF TARGET Botox users are warned that doses of the drug received by nearly 400 medical centers in the U.S. are unapproved and from foreign sources, putting patients at risk. But what those risks are is still unclear. We’re sure it’s just the government overreacting. Injecting paralysis-inducing neurotoxins between your eyes—what could go wrong!?
PARTIAL SCORE Sexting app Snapchat, which allows users to send videos that last only for a specified amount of time before spontaneously combusting, is outsmarted by the techies at BuzzFeed, who detail exactly how to get those files back permanently after they supposedly disappear… And the publicists of B-list celebs around the world get a belated holiday bonus this year.
Changing your publishing schedule from 52 weekly issues to only 12 monthly copies means that every year there will be 40 (52 minus 12) murderers, rapists, serial killers, mass murderers, pedophiles, Ponzi thieves, crooked politicians, and dozens of other assorted miscreants who will not get “fired” by your public service “Pink Slips”—a loss to us all. –Richard Siegelman
Greatly looking forward to the next chapter in the evolution of LI Press— and Jed Morey! –Doris Meadows
Jed, Since the days you sat in my class, you were creative, never afraid, and knew there were no sacred cows anywhere. I am not surprised about the change…it’s the only way to grow! And I am certainly not surprised that you are leading this change. Go right on and continue to impress your audience. –Rev. Allan B. Ramirez
I love reading your newspaper. Been a fan since the beginning. Your paper is well written and is so much better than Newsday. Good luck with the monthly edition. I’m going to miss my weekly crossword puzzle in your newspaper. —Sue
Now, if you could just bring back WLIR Radio, I’d be really happy!!!! –Jim Perrone
I’m going to agree with Jim Perrone about WLIR — sorely missed! Otherwise, well said, Jed. Good luck with the monthly. –Frank Pomata
Good luck with the new format. The weekly issue will be missed, but it should be interesting to see how the refurbished monthly edition turns out. I hope it will have more than one major article per month. –Michael Cafaro
Lillian Alzheimer Taylor Disappointed to hear this although I do understand your reasoning. PS, the LIP is the only newspaper I enjoy reading and trust to bring me real news that matters to me. Thank you for that.
Eddie Muro Going from weekly to monthly….at a time when Long Island needs another daily! I guess we’ll just be stuck with Dolan’s mouth piece.
Ed Gerbe I guess 12 per year beats zero. Taking a page from the Long Island Catholic?
David Lynch Will miss the weekly.
@jcairo Monthly like a period. (disgruntled ex-employee)
@Mike93434086 As always, I will look forward to “Off the Reservation,” The Target/Equation & your cover stor(ies)…
@maura the Long Island Press is going monthly. curious to see how this move turns out.
@inthefade I think this is a strong, good move. Online still stays current, monthly print can be more meaty.
By Ginger Strand
An unusual mix of murderous tales and a thesis on the development of American roadways, Killer on the Road could have been two separate books, one a thriller and the other a case study. Instead, two different genres catering to two very separate types of readers are merged into one, meaning the mystery fan will likely skip over much of the historical pages in the book, and vice versa. But that dilemma aside, this is an extremely well-researched and well-written book that explores the development of the American roadway simultaneously with the development of the American serial killer. The book suggests roadways have given birth to higher murder rates and a new kind of bogeyman, one who preys upon hitchhikers and abandoned motorists. While one might argue increased transportation doesn’t create killers, but merely gives them new tools to work with, the book reinforces the connection between mobility and murder by detailing historical and notorious murders that could have never happened if a network of highways weren’t so readily available. It’s easy to get lost in the analysis of things like the sociological implications of auto ads, but lines like, “He won twenty dollars at the demolition derby the day before he killed his first victm…” will always snap you back into the plot as will true-crime characters like Ed “The Chopper” Kemper, who hung out at the bar with cops when he wasn’t murdering and dismembering young women in California. Long Island’s master builder Robert Moses even gets a mention in the book for his role in creating these highways to hell, as do notorious killers known to have plagued them, like the I-5 Strangler, the Freeway Killer and the Beltway Sniper. But while mobility and increased crime obviously go hand in hand, such a targeted comparison of mobility and violence, specifically murder, can seem forced at times, especially when the violence most associated with highways—road rage—isn’t mentioned at all. Killer on the Road is part of the Discovering America Series, which aims to explore the history and culture of the nation by drawing unexpected connections. In this light, the book definitely succeeds, a little too well.The storytelling is gripping enough to stand on its own, and sometimes the most unexpected connections are made by simply cutting the pieces and letting the reader put the puzzle together. —Jaclyn Gallucci
[colored_box color=”blue”]Click to purchase Killer on the Road: Violence and the American Interstate
[/colored_box]
[colored_box color=”red”]
The executive vice president of the National Rifle Association held a much-anticipated press conference (no questions allowed) following the shootings of 20 children and six adults at the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Conn., and, in essence, blamed the media for glorifying violence and proposed that armed guards be stationed at every school in the nation to keep the paranoid killers at bay. LaPierre’s proposal is deranged, his response to the tragedy delusional. LaPierre…You’re fired.
Italy’s former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi refuses to go away quietly. Although he resigned last year, he manages to cause just as much trouble when he’s out of office as when he’s in power. Could you imagine what this country would be like if George W. Bush were stirring up the pot every two seconds? That’s what Berlusconi is doing to Italy. It got so divisive that the Pope issued a Christmas call for political peace, but Berlusconi egged on his right-wing supporters to throw mud in the public sphere by attacking his successor Mario Monti and hamper his efforts to get the Italian economy back on track. Berlusconi doesn’t know when to leave well enough alone. Berlusconi…You’re fired.
The 40-year-old American-born head of the Jewish Home party is on the verge of making his far-right, pro-Zionist faction the third most powerful force in the Knesset, Israel’s parliament , which could mean that Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s governing coalition would become even more extreme, endangering the Mideast’s fading hopes for peace with the Palestinians. Bennett isn’t interested in a two-state solution; he wants to annex the occupied territories in defiance of UN policies and U.S. initiatives. The last thing President Obama needs is watching Israel deliberately turn itself into a belligerent occupying power propped up by our money and military might. Bennett…you’re fired.
The Jets offensive coordinator was brought in from the Miami Dolphins (where his coaching record was mediocre at best) to make the other teams in its lop-sided conference fear the Meadowlands’ Green Machine. But Sparano never got the offense going in any direction other than backwards. Instead, he just messed up the minds of three quarterbacks, not just one, and made the Wildcat offense look as tame as an old tabby cat. Under his guidance, the Jets ranked 30th in total yards gained per game. Sparano…you’re fired.
Remember when this belligerent blonde priestess of right-wing bombast said she “highly” approved of Gov. Mitt Romney’s “decision to be kind and gentle to the retard”? Coulter is no dummy; she’s made a fortune patronizing the boneheads of our Republic who eat up her every word because they think that makes them smarter. She should be forced to empty bed pans in a psych ward for the next four years of Obama’s presidency. Ann Coulter…you’re fired.
For 25 years Poly Prep Country Day School, an elite private boys’ academy in Brooklyn, bent over backwards to avoid confronting charges from its student body that the celebrated football coach, Phil Foglietta, was sexually abusing hundreds of kids, some as young as 10. Well, finally, justice has been served. After a lengthy process, the school has just settled a lawsuit filed three years ago by 12 plaintiffs who had each sought $20 million—the largest such suit in the New York area. What the school will actually pay has not been disclosed but what it would have saved had it investigated Foglietta’s horrible behavior when it first came to light can’t be calculated. Although the coach has since deceased, let this example live on as a costly reminder to institutions everywhere to take these allegations seriously and do the right thing. If we’d had the chance, what do you think we’d say? Phil Foglietta…you’re fired.
Anybody who gets arrested for assaulting his wife on Christmas deserves to be punished to the full extent of the law. That goes double for former big league athletes like Andruw Jones, the ex-Braves and ex-Yankee outfielder who got busted in his big mansion outside Atlanta and charged with battery. Early Christmas morning his wife accused the slugger of dragging her down a staircase, grabbing her neck and yelling that he wanted to kill her. She reportedly freed herself and called the cops who found the 35-year-old athlete “heavily intoxicated and confused about why officers were standing in his bedroom.” Jones may have just signed a $3.5 million, one-year contract to play ball in Japan, but we think he could spend his time more wisely in rehab here in the States. Andruw Jones…you’re fired.
For Christmas Kim Kardashian got a pair of custom-made Giuseppe Zanotti shoes from her boyfriend Kanye West. At least he’s got talent (which is more than we can say for her). Khloe Kardashian gave her little sisters Kendall and Kylie designer handbags and ankle boots worth big bucks. What’s on sibling Kourtney’s toes remains to be seen. Apparently new shoes are big news if the Kardashians stick their feet into them. Thanks to the miracle of “reality TV,” we all know who this rich family of freeloaders is, but not why we should waste another minute on them. This phenomenon of being famous for being famous must end for the good of the country. Their brand has gone on long enough. Kardashians…you’re fired.
Over the years Louisiana has given so much to pop culture but then there’s Britney Spears, who’s in a class all by herself. There must be a reason Simon Cowell paid her $15 million to be a panelist on his second-rate show, “The X Factor,” but it can’t be for her “amazing” judging ability, can it? What this self-proclaimed “femme fatale” does away from the studio just may not be worth the worry, but she brings nothing to this show. Britney Spears…you’re fired.
The smug Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld rebuffed his own generals’ advice—let alone every sane person outside the Pentagon who knew going to war in Iraq was going to be a costly, drawn out bloody debacle—and convinced President George W. Bush that overthrowing Saddam Hussein would be a cakewalk. There’d be more strategic targets than in Afghanistan, he said, and more oil of course. But when his “preemptive strike” turned badly—through no fault of the heroic men and women in our military who were poorly served by their commander in chief—Rumsfeld just shrugged and told his poorly armored troops: “You go to war with the army you have.” When priceless archaeological sites were plundered in the fertile crescent, museum collections ruined in Bagdad, he blew it off. Those are crimes against humanity, so let history be the judge. But authorizing waterboarding, other forms of torture and extrajudicial execution violate the Geneva Convention, and he should be held accountable. Maybe that’s why Bush sought to immunize Rumsfeld from prosecution in the International Criminal Court before he left office, but Rumsfeld could be tried in other countries under the precepts of universal law. And just as Nazi war criminals were hounded for years until they were brought to justice, so should he be made to pay for his unlawful acts that have tarnished the lasting legacy of the United States (as well as added to our debt). Donald Rumsfeld…you’re fired.
[/colored_box]
[colored_box color=”grey”]
—Gerard Depascale, one of three plaintiffs seeking to get a $12 million jury award reinstated after a federal judge voided their judgment in a toxic tort case claiming he and others developed rare cancers from a former atomic site in Hicksville. His case goes before the Second Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals Jan. 15.
Click here for the full LI Press investigation.
[/colored_box]
