What’s the secret to a relationship that lasts? It’s a question that’s been asked time and time again, and Stefan Deutsch and Dr. Roberta Karant believe they have the answer.
This Monday at Westbury Manor, the two will present a Forever Love workshop aimed to help couples (both engaged and married) learn how to maintain a healthy relationship well beyond the honeymoon phase.
Deutsch, who has a 30-year background in human development and psychotherapy, says that the thinking behind the Forever Love workshops is that a lot of people don’t have the necessary tools to sustain the love they had when they were dating or first married. While people will act respectfully and considerately in the beginning of their relationships, over time, these behaviors stop and problems arise.
Deutsch says that the reason so many relationships fall apart is because people don’t have the right idea of what love is.
“When we say love, we generally think of love and attraction and passion, but that’s a different type of energy that doesn’t nurture us,” he says.
Deutsch’s theory is that love is nourishment. He says that healthy relationships need nurturing beyond just the dating phase.
“Usually only during dating and getting engaged do we put the full effort toward nurturing and giving. So after that, we ask ‘what happened? Where did the love go?’ There’s communication issues and other problems,” says Deutsch.
Once we start to think of love as something that can nourish and nurture us, it changes the way we act. Deutsch describes most people in the world as malnourished of true love.
“We’re starving for love. Love as nourishment is really vital for every human being to understand so they become more aware of their behavior. When people become aware, that’s the beginning of the change in their behaviors and attitudes,” says Deutsch. “But if you don’t understand it, you act disrespectfully and unappreciatively, and you deprive another person of nourishment.”
Karant says that at the workshop (which will be Deutsch and Karant’s third this year) couples will learn how to become aware of how their actions affect their mate, what they’re looking for and how to go about getting their needs met.
“People get married because they’re looking for unconditional love. But after a year or two it’s not what they get anymore We don’t have communication and listening skills, we say it in the wrong way, we get defensive,” says Deutsch. “No one goes to relationship school. Everyone tries to figure it out for themselves.”
“We’re trying to give couples a preventative approach to explain that love is nourishment,” he says.
The workshop, which will include a teaching time and activities, will teach couples ways they can safeguard their relationship. One of these ways is realizing your spouse did not hurt you on purpose.
“Most things are done unintentionally,” he says. “People do the best they can. First people have to be aware, maybe they forgot to say thank you or criticized someone. These things might seem like nothing but we tend to be sensitive when someone raises their voice or walks away from us.”
Another safeguard to protecting a relationship is noticing the positive and doing simple things like saying thank you.
“Catch each other being loving,” says Deutsch. “When people do things that we like we feel we deserve it, but we always catch the other person when they’re being unloving. We should notice the good things the other person does, because we always notice the bad stuff.”
Deutsch and Karant say they have seen their methods, both in the workshops and through private sessions, prove effective.
“Couples often get stuck and don’t know where to go. These skills can help people get past that getting stuck phase. It sounds so obvious that love can heal, but most people don’t know how to love unconditionally,” says Karant.
The Forever Love workshop will be held at Westbury Manor from 6 to 8 p.m. on Monday, July 28. The cost is $50 per couple and includes dinner and refreshments. Find out more and register at www.westburymanor.com/forever-love.php
